Know thine enemy
Uncategorized - - Posted on January, 20 at 12:05 pm by Ken L
I enjoy the media at this time of year. Free of the usual need to pretend that politics is important, the better journalists can investigate issues that go to the heart of our society and the future of the human race.
An example is this story about the NRMA’s proposal that silly old farts who manage to pass their mandatory health test to renew their licences should have to put ‘S’ plates on their cars, just like the irresponsible young hooligan drivers have to have ‘P’s:
NRMA director Graham Blight raised the idea of an “S” plate for seniors, similar to P-plates for provisional drivers, at a meeting of the Combined Pensioner and Superannuants Association just before Christmas.
Mr Blight said yesterday he aired the plan to gauge community reaction.
“Some people felt it would be OK, others feared they would be tagged and harassed,” he said. “We brought up the idea in early discussions with the Roads and Traffic Authority [RTA]. It was one of the things we were looking at - the NRMA discusses a number of ideas - but we never presented it formally as part of the licensing review.”
Well IMHO this is a great idea and it’s past time we introduced it. I mean in the olden days you could pick the silly old farts easily - they were in Volvos and wearing hats - but these days it’s not so simple. By the time you spot the polyester slacks from Lowes or realise the driver is actually a grannie sitting on four telephone books to see over the wheel, it might be too late. So bring on the S plates and the sooner the better.
Like all good ideas, however, it should not stop there. Its full potential needs to be exploited. The next step is so obvious it hardly needs mentioning, namely ‘F’ plates for female drivers. I know they are easy to spot in car parks or intersections or anywhere else where genetic lack of basic driving skills is obvious but on the open road they can be problematic, so bright pink F plates can only help reduce the road toll.
After that we need ‘W’ plates for certified wankers. I know wankers can normally be identified because they are driving Range Rovers or top end BMWs and ignoring the existence of both the rules of the road and the existence of other road users but sometimes they slum it in a Lexus or something so it would be useful to have them labelled. I suggest we have a Wanker 1800 number - the Terrorist Hotline could do it as a money-spinning sideline, I’m sure they have plenty of idle resources - and once someone has five separate nominations, the W plate will become compulsory.
A ‘D’ plate would also be worthwhile. This would be issued by magistrates’ courts to drivers on the occasion of their disqualification from driving. As we all know, these people continue to drive regardless, so as an act of courtesy to other road users they should be encouraged to display their D plate so we can exercise a bit of prudent care when we see them coming. Maybe the plates can be issued in a variety of colours to indicate the number of times the driver has been disqualified, with gold plates to those who have been disqualified for life.
The number of letters in the alphabet is unfortunately limited but there is a compelling need for one more: an ‘M’ plate for morons who have an IQ lower than their age. A suitable test could be included in the licence renewal process. M plates, prominently displayed at both ends of the vehicle (and on the sides too, for good measure) will alert us responsible motorists to the presence of a driver who is likely to behave unpredictably (change lanes for no reason, stop at green lights while he tries to remember which colour means go, turn right from the kerbside lane etc).
So good luck to the NRMA with the scheme and the only drawback I foresee is that once all these plates have been issued we will be constantly reminded how hazardous it is to hurtle along the road at 100 kmh in the company of assorted lunatics and incompetents. But maybe an increased level of awareness like that will be a good thing 
.
Posted in Uncategorized |
January 20th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
What about an “H” plate, for young hoons in souped up Holdens with mag wheels. It could flash in time to the loud music.
And while we’re at it, I can see good cause for a K plate, for people driving with fighting and squabbling kids in the back seat. Very distracting for the driver, and down right dangerous, given the propensity to swerve as the driver bends around to clout one of them.
The potential of this is well, not endless - as you say, there are only 26 letters.
January 20th, 2008 at 5:52 pm
How about ‘RR’ plates for road ragers? They’re friggin everywhere. In QLD they’re more common than cane toads. We need a Mack truck to feel even half safe from all our ragin’ roadies.
Or how about a flashing sign on top: “MOBILE PHONE IN USE. KEEP WELL CLEAR.”
Deborah, the potential IS endless. What about “AGRO DRIVER. OVERTAKE AT YOUR PERIL.” Or how about “LATE FOR WORK, BUT IT’S YOUR FAULT SO GET OUTTA MY WAY!”
Or this one ‘I OWN A 4-WHEEL-DRIVE AND I’M GONNA SQUASH YOU LIKE AN ANT! HAVE A NICE DAY.”
My last one: ‘GOT NO LICENCE, GOT NO REGO, ON THE GROG, STUFF THE COPS, SO WATCHA YA GONNA DO ABOUT IT, HEY?” These guys are, like, everyyyyyyyyyy-friggin’-where!
There’s gotta be a zillion more. Come on other drivers, MAKE MAH DAY.
January 20th, 2008 at 6:43 pm
Bumper sticker recently seen in Brisbane:
EVERY K OVER IS A THRILLER
January 20th, 2008 at 6:53 pm
Every school holidays I get here the city family in the swish four wheel drive on a discover ‘the bush’ epic. You can tell by the way they either blow the horn or just stop and look startled when trying to get through a mob of sheep/cattle,untill help arrives in the shape of me and the dogs, signs sheep/cattle ahead don’t work, too obvious,and then they stuff around , buggering the dogs, me and the stock, finally get through and piss off past without even a wave. Christ I hate school holidays.Then there’s the ones who smack a ‘roo or a wood duck through the radiator and whinge because the ‘cell’ wont work and want me to fix it all up. Then there’s the ones who…Christ I hate school holidays……
January 20th, 2008 at 8:43 pm
The trouble with the M plate is that it would have to be issued to every male under the age of, I dunno 70..80?.
January 20th, 2008 at 11:23 pm
Very funny stuff!
January 20th, 2008 at 11:27 pm
I see where amphibious @5 is coming from but blokes aren’t the only qualifiers for the M plate.
I stopped at a set of traffic lights in Adelaide a while ago and smelling smoke, looked around to see a bright young person of the female persuasion behind the wheel puffing on the cigarette she held in one hand and talking into the mobile she was holding with the other. The number of hands on the steering wheel was zero.
As a motorcyclist, my assumption is that the sole purpose of every other road user’s journey is to kill me. (’Oops sorry mate, didn’t see you - I was on the phone/changing the CD/having a fag’ - in this case possibly all three!)
January 21st, 2008 at 1:15 am
Long Mack. I’ve been living in the bush now for a few years and I know plenty of country folk who don’t dare drive in the city.
Country drivers, to my experience drive as though car accidents don’t happen and then mock city visitors who take driving a little more seriously.
There should be a big C plate for country drivers, so everyone else can know the person they are sharing the road with won’t be worrying about give way signs on a lonely stretch of road and might have to quickly swerve to hit a roo etc.
For the record, I don’t drive.
January 21st, 2008 at 8:17 am
Lang Mack - all that “buggering” must be costing you a fortune in KY gel. I hope it’s tax deductible.
January 21st, 2008 at 10:47 am
Having spent a few days driving with my 70’s/80’s parents, I’m all for an “S” plate, and really big, too, so it’s visible from a mile off.
January 22nd, 2008 at 4:20 pm
Gotta have a Z plate for zombies who zigzag across lanes without looking or indicating. (Another motorcyclist. I’m not paranoid, I KNOW they’re trying to kill me.)
January 22nd, 2008 at 6:33 pm
LM - at least they are getting those shiny 4WDs out in the bush, finally - maybe they’ll learn something!
I don’t know if you read my CIB post where we were driving Girlchild up to her Dinner Plain school and we had to stop while a mob of cattle went past us. I’d forgotten she hadn’t had the opportunities I’d had when young to see farm animals up close and personal - she expected them to run right over the car. “It’s like Hitchcock’s the birds…but with cows!” Spouse wanted to know why I was giggling uncontrollably while watching The Birds the other day.
Back on topic, cos this is a serious thread, “M” for morons could also do for “Malaka” - a northern suburbs gentleman with a huge motor that goes bokka-bokka-bokka and spoilers and furry dice.
January 22nd, 2008 at 7:31 pm
Loved this post and the comments.
I related some of the above to a workmate, 22 year old second generation Greek woman, and she laughed and offered that we what we really need in our village (we both live and work within a couple of km radius) is C for Chinese drivers.
Hard to measure these things, but among many non-Chinese of every possible nationality the received wisdom in my part of Sydney seems to be that Chinese drivers are really the pits and beyond even funny.
Anyway, meant to say, what the repartee shows, if we ever needed reminded, is that we are hopelessly, hilariously, irrevocably, why-even-bother-fighting-the-inevitable, competitively tribal.
And tribes are infinitely divisible too - encompassing and being defined even by trivial ephemera such as what we wear to cover our nakedness or the goddam shape of our eyebrows.
Q: Is this a tedious or fascinating characteristic of homo sapiens?
January 23rd, 2008 at 8:27 pm
Resin Dog and Red Box, am a Motor Cycle tourer ,along with Mrs.Lang of course, for fourty five years now, and the lessons we have been given by tin tops trying to kill us has been noted and has probably saved our skins on both the bike and the car. ALL drivers should spend TWO YEARS on two wheels prior to getting behind a car steering wheel, then you’ll know….;)
January 23rd, 2008 at 8:38 pm
Helen, I remember that post and thinking at the time that that you were probably not from the big smoke :).
Wonder if MayoFeral is a Kiwi..
January 24th, 2008 at 9:21 am
LM, I am from the Big Smoke, but I was privileged to spend a lot of time on farms growing up, both dairy and sheep variety. And I was also lucky to spend most of my time on two wheels in my 20s (pushie not motor) before ever buying a car, although I did have my licence. I agree wholeheartedly with your assessment of that, however, I think I’m more protective of cyclists now that I’m a driver because it looks much scarier to me from the car point of view (and it’s ruined my cycling experience, sadly.)
January 27th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
LM - absolutely motor-bike before car licence, and ride a bicycle before getting onto a motorbike.
Also what’s with the extraordinary number of automatic only licences these days? If one can’t manage a clutch the chances of sussing the interface between go & whoa are dangerously diminished.