Dream teams for the Libs
Uncategorized - - Posted on November, 25 at 11:01 pm by Ken L
So the Liberals have a problem. Well they have a few really, with the biggie being that they’re not in power anywhere in the whole friggin’ country except Brisbane and possibly the Australian Chamber of Commerce and Industry, and even the latter is thinking of ditching them. This big problem will go down in history as Howard’s Legacy and be trotted out to show just how much of a Master Politician of His Era he really was.
But their immediate problem is that their leader looks like his parliamentary swipe card won’t work any more after tomorrow because he won’t be a member, in which case there will be practical difficulties in him continuing to be the leader. This wasn’t supposed to be a major hassle, because he had already said he was soon going to be an ex-leader, and he’d tapped Tip to replace him. Indeed Tip was the people’s choice as leader in waiting. John Howard nominated him as “the future of the Liberal Party” - I heard him last night and made a note of it.
Except if that was literally true the party no longer has a future, because the annointed future told them where to shove it … after going to considerable lengths last night to advise the nation that in his own personal electorate, he’d had a swing to him. Today he’s taken great pleasure I imagine in telling his parliamentary colleagues “Look I’ve been sulking for the last year and a half and nobody noticed so how about this for a sook!!! Eh? Eh???”
Still playing student politics after all these years.
Anyway this kind of puts the Libs in a hole … something like the Australian cricket team when Shane Warne retired and Stuart McGill was supposed to step into his shoes but Stuie decided he’d spent 15 fucken years playing second fiddle to Warnie and he’d got to like the high life and all he was good for now was bowling waist high full tosses and the selectors said shit wadda we do now? That’s kind of how the surviving Liberal MPs must feel except of course that a replacement for Warnie is more important to the nation than finding a new Liberal leader, as the ex member for Bennelong would be the first to concede.
Malcolm Turnbull has courageously offered to step into the breach.
Now this is the kind of spontaneous selfless gesture that we expect from the aristocracy but a moment’s reflection shows that it just won’t do. After all the Liberal Party is a party of principle and it’s just spent 11 months persuading us all that experience is a critical requirement for a national leader. It’s there as the first item in the essential selection criteria: ‘Demonstrated extensive experience in high national office’. I mean if we are about to be swept away in a global tsunami, as we were assured is the case, the alternative prime minister needs to have had more than one term in parliament. If Kevin Rudd and Wayne Swan are rank novices who aren’t fit to be trusted with the keys to the Treasury, it’s obviously out of the question for a neophyte like Malcolm Turnbull to get the job. Why he still can’t remember where the toilets are in the gym.
No, the Libs are not the kind of party that would have double standards when it comes to the necessity of experience, so a couple of the battle-hardened - or shell-shocked - survivors of Bloody Saturday will have to step up to the mark. And I thought I would help them by offering some suggestions … purely by way of being helpful and not at all in a spirit of mockery or taking pleasure in their misfortune. After all the election loss is a blessing in disguise because one of the Libs’ biggest problems recently has been too much talent and not enough openings. Helen Coonan said so last night … I made a note of that too.
Now my first choice of leadership teams may not please everyone but I’ve chosen them because they are a good counterweight to the number of smart women elected to the Labor benches. What’s more, they would bring Australia a whole lot of international publicity by having to say “No actually we’re not related at all” everywhere they went, or possibly in a cooler tone of voice “No she is not my mother/daughter.” So number 1 on the ballot paper are Bishop & Bishop:
Even though I think this pair has a helluva lot going for it I suspect that a lot of people won’t like the idea of a leadership team that sounds like a legal firm … which indeed the two gals concerned may well wish right now they were. So I offer instead this alternative, what might be called in tribute to the mood in the party the funereal option:
Don’t laugh, there used to be a Victorian Liberal premier named Lindsay Thompson who was even less animate. But these two have one big drawback: they would suck the light from any room they entered, and with the consciousness of global warming everywhere these days that might not be a good look. So how about a NSW duo? It’s the leading state in the nation and the combination of a doctor and a wannabe priest should be practically unbeatable.
There is however one significant practical objection to the Abbott and Nelson show, which is that Brendan Nelson seems to have disappeared. Nobody’s seen him since he told reporters that we invaded Iraq for the oil. Rumour has it that he’s being held for ransom by the Taliban. So reluctantly we might have to move on to the final coupling: a handsome pair of boys from Athens-on-the-Murray.
They’re cute. They’re talented. They’re witty and gregarious and fun to be with. What’s not to like?
Ladies and gentlemen I give you, the next prime minister and deputy prime minister of Australia.
Posted in Uncategorized |
November 26th, 2007 at 12:24 am
The gift that keeps on giving.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:27 am
Abbott & Nelson, perfect. By now I am laughing. Before. Geezus. Gawd. No.
Very funny. Enlightening.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:33 am
Heh!
Great post, Ken.
On one hand, just as the media will have to get used to this leaderless rabble as not worthy of too many column inches now that Labor is the government, I’ve been thinking we shouldn’t dignify them with too much attention. But perhaps as a risible comedy sideshow…
November 26th, 2007 at 1:12 am
That photo of Julie Bishop is downright scary. And Brendo Nelson seems to be doing his best We Are The Chosen Race impersonation.
November 26th, 2007 at 5:25 am
Jeebus Ken. I thought Saturday meant I didn’t have to look at Those Heads every day any more.
November 26th, 2007 at 6:41 am
They’ve got no leaders? Let them eat cake.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:52 am
For comedy value, they should go for Downer and Julie Bishop. The smartarse and the dumbarse.
November 26th, 2007 at 9:46 am
What about Menzies? I know he’s dead, but so is anyone who takes the spot.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:19 am
Well Kim Beazley is now unemployed and I’m sure he could step into the breach. He’s the kind of seasoned, experienced runnerup that the Liberal party need to step into the breach for the next 6-12 years!
November 26th, 2007 at 10:20 am
I got a better idea, just a cardboard cutout of Rodent and Smirky with the recordings “Wall to Wall labour”, 70% Union officials, The country is running in the right direction, I have been led to understand, the workers have never been better off, and of course during working hours a few MR Speakers. The Liberals won’t notice, they’ve done nothing in the past year but try to get these messages across, and they won’t have to put any of these pathetic idiots in charge of the party. The really sad thing is that by saying they won’t notice, it’s not a joke.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:29 am
The Buffoon and Boy Wonder - hilarious.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:35 am
TWOP, which one do you think is the smartarse? As for Lord Downer, in my local paper this morning is this wonderful quote: “I am an unknown, and that is I am an unknown even to myself as to what I will do next, I’m still working that through”. If the great man decides not to run, perhaps Christopher Pyne could team up with Uncle Joe?
November 26th, 2007 at 10:48 am
I’d go for Pyne, then I’d have the pleasure of voting against him at the next election for my own Maxine moment.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:55 am
I saw that first pair and went:
AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A more nightmarish scenario I cannot conceive of.
November 26th, 2007 at 10:56 am
Don’t forget Wilson Tuckey - probably the most similarly aligned with Howard’s ideology. Howard’s success was due to his pigheaded hardline approach, so why not kick-start the ticker with Tuckey.
I reckon Tuckey could turn them around with brilliant policies like “Metroplitan Woodchipping” - A potential massive boom to local economies, offsetting house prices by logging their own backyards.
He might also support “Bringing the War Home” - where we invite all Iraqis and Afghans to come to Australia and fight us for supremacy on our own territory - since we know the terrain so much better. A bit of hand-to-hand combat in Mosman or Ryde would be a great inspiration for Liberal/National Patriotism. I can just hear the rousing war-time radio broadcasts now…
“Our brave Oarmsen from Knox College gave old Ahab a bit of what-for in a rousing fisticuff and bayonett exchange outside the Gunners Barracks Tea Rooms - Pip pip hoorah for our brave lads. No towel-wearing oil-merchants are going to come between us and our glorious lifestyle! Later our fine Oarsmen sunned themselves and enjoyed a cold Tooths’ Brew on the golden sands of Manly Beach - and didn’t those one-piece wearing true blue Aussie maidens look a treat, eh, what!”
November 26th, 2007 at 10:56 am
I nominate Frau
Eva BraunJulie Bishop. A true big L Liberal.November 26th, 2007 at 11:04 am
Yep,
Pyne and Bishop (julie) That should be the right combination of prissiness and genuine madness, guaranteed to keep them in Oppo for around a couple of generations. lol! What a two and a half years-what a night. If I never see another sticker, cap, T-shirt or have to attend another BBQ, get together, Fair or something, or never have to press people to sign another petition as long as a I live, it will be too soon. No, not true, I just want a break from all the frenzy and hype, and I just want to get some good policy results. Just for a change.
I just hope it won’t be too much like a CEO giving pep talks to the Team every day. I am so over managerialism everywhere. It really is a corrosive and utterly dispiriting technique for anything other than ensuring the accountants do their job
November 26th, 2007 at 11:05 am
downer and pyne - two bitchy feminine metros who have too much baggage. abbott suffers from a medical condition called Intermintent Explosive Disorder (fruitcake) nelson is a embarassing boofhead.andrews and ruddock are good for insomnia people.As for the bishops,I don’t like socalled females with balls & suffer from tunnelvision.I can’t say watch out when they have their monthlies as they are way too old.. turnbull is so goddam boring and just babbles on that you forget what he is on about. costello is a big sook,has no balls,he can dish it out but not take it,his ego is dented- go and sulk in the corner Tip!
howard was a selfish,egomaniacal dictator who cared for no one except himself. the libs are nothing but a pot of swill.
November 26th, 2007 at 11:08 am
The newly elected Leader of the Liberal Party, Petro Georgiou, & Deputy Leader, Judith Moylan, let it be known today that the Liberal Party were purging themselves of bigots & racists & loopy religious tossers & creepy leaflet droppers ASAP…& even those maggots who blame “the bloody Chinese” for their losses on Saturday.
Georgiou & Moylan, being more courageous & humane individuals than your average sewer dwelling Neo-Liberal - demonstrated in August 2006 as they stood up to their barabaric ex-’Dear Leader’ John (The Rodent) Howard on his Fascist Mandatory Detention beliefs - have decided to break away from past habits of using ‘Exclusive Brethren’ sturmtroopers & HATE rhetoric in order to get the Liberal POV across…
Instead they will join Mr. Broadbent & Mr. Turnbull in seeking the wise counsel of past PM Fraser & other wider thinking individuals within the Party ranks in order to construct a new platform. Those seven Liberals will gather at Judi Moylan’s house on Thursday for tea, lemonade & scones.
Rumour has it that a dart board, very pointy darts & a poster size picture of their former Dear Liberal will be provided as afternoon entertainment.
The rest of the Liberal Party will be shipped to various detention centres to serve detainees. Apart from Mr. Howard, Mr. Ruddock, Mr. Andrews & something resembling a toad in tights, who were last seen burrowing their way under the ocean towards Latin America.
President Chavez of Venezuela has been reported to have stated with a sh*t-arse grin that: “if they accidentally come anywhere near this County they will be turned into Neo-Con handbags”.
The National Party’s Mark Vaile when asked about these new turn of events replied: “no comment…we’re heading off to Bob Katter’s place for a dose of reality & a spa”
November 26th, 2007 at 11:39 am
It’s a pity that Alan Cadman has retired, because The Chaser boys could have done that same “vote for Cadman” stunt again.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
Julie Bishop can run on a platform of sending people to the naught corner. Should work a treat…
November 26th, 2007 at 12:19 pm
It gets funnier. The Mad Monk is standing for the leader’s job because he believes there will be a need to sort out a number of factional problems, and one thing he prides himself on is his people skills!!
I wonder if Bernie Banton could be persuaded to be the Monk’s deputy.
November 26th, 2007 at 12:58 pm
God please let the libs vote for Andrews and Ruddock team.
November 26th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
my only regret is that with Costello stepping down, we will be denied the opportunity of an ‘Abbott & Costello’ double act…
November 26th, 2007 at 1:10 pm
Top post Ken. “Sucking the light from any room…” Lol.
The truly scary thing is, the Libs might actually turn to Ruddock, now that Tip’s told ‘em to bugger-off. Not that its gonna matter. They’re just a demoralised and inconsequential opposition.
The true legacy of John Howard: An irrelevant and upperly impotent Liberal Party.
The Libs are gonna remember him allright.
November 26th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
Speaking of “dream teams”, i’d like to see Obama & Webb running for the White House.
Or Edwards & Webb
Bill Richardson’s pleas to other Democrats not to criticise nominees like Hillary Clinton for being “too beholden to corporate lobby groups” or “being too War-mongerish” is absolutely ridiculous.
This idea that Clinton should be annointed by the Corporate Media types like Wolf Blitzer, regardless of the valid criticisms & points made by Liberal Progressives & Independent Bloggers & good people on the ground, is just outrageous.
Anyone overly influenced by & taking big bucks from the bast*rds who pulled the strings of the Busheviks to invade Iraq for commercial reasons, and to appease a bunch of “war-mongering” & super paranoid Israelis, Saudis and their Christian zealot mates, needs to be scrutinised FULL BORE & turfed out “the back door”.
Real change in America starting in early-mid 08 with an Obama Presidential nomination…& continuing with him taking hold of the Presidency in Jan 09…would really help bring about mood change & “fresh air” across other important regions of the Planet.
Berlusconi GONE…Aznar GONE…Jun’ichir? Koizumi GONE…Shinz? Abe GONE…Rumsfeld GONE…Rove GONE…now Howard GONE…& plenty of other Neo-Cons & their Enablers across the Planet…
The dark clouds are breaking up…brighter days & fresh air in Australia today…let’s keep the trend going…
N’
November 26th, 2007 at 1:28 pm
oh yea…Blair GONE…:)
How could i have forgotten that lovely piece of work?
November 26th, 2007 at 2:54 pm
So what happened to that great parliamentary team Howard kept mentioning during the election?
I always suspected he was referring to the ALP.
November 26th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
What about Heckle & Jeckle? Those two black crows. Or the Marx Brothers maybe. Can’t we have Abbott & Costello now? Bugger.
Oh well, Laurel & Hardy perhaps? No? Whatever happens, I’ll be laughing my tits off for the next 11 years or so as I watch the Libbo Wingnutter bastards squirm, as they mocked us, while they destroyed common decency, foreign relations, our public health, public education, and our blue planet Earth - our only home.
And now it’s our turn. So let them rot on the back benches for centuries if possible. Or a millenia. Bastards forever. And anyway, WGAF - (Who Gives A Fuck.)
Australia’s Liberals have dirtied their underpants on the world stage in the most spectacular way and the resultant stains will never diminish. Time will not cover or obliterate their rotten misdeeds, nor will history forget their illegal foreign invasions. The world’s animal life, if it knew, would now be celebrating, while my little grand children have been informed that they might now live substantially longer lives, have clean air to breath after the enviro-rapists tried to destroy it, might get a decent education and a job with decency and human dignity thrown in, and if sick might even get fair treatment for their tax dollars.
And to John Howard’s Gestapo thuggery machine I say this: You were a bunch of ultimate arseholes, now consigned to the sewer sin-bin forever, where you all belong. The OZ economy flourished during your tenure DESPITE you, not because of you. It was due to China, and the resources boom, not you low cunts who fluked a free ride. Total coincidence, that’s all, with no thanks to the Australian Liberal Party.
Goodbye, good riddance and happy rotting in eternal opposition. After all, WGAF?
November 26th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
Alexander Panda for PM!
ps “Teflon John” takes on an entirely new meaning now…even his own seat won’t stick to him.
November 26th, 2007 at 3:39 pm
Here’s Keating on the leadership issue….
http://www.smh.com.au/news/federal-election-2007-news/keating-stirs-the-liberal-leadership-pot/2007/11/26/1196036789843.html
Sounds like it was vintage Keating, and I’m sorry I missed it. Personally, I think Julie Bishop is a bad choice (so I wonder if Keating’s being tongue in cheek?) but agree with his general sentiment about women in politics.
November 26th, 2007 at 3:45 pm
Where is all the talent that Howard claimed he had in his team. It is very hard nominate anyone to follow him.
Always felt that he was allowed to stay in power, because there was no one else better in the party.
Lets hope for the good of the country, they do uncover someone with a little ability to be an effective leader in opposition.
If news reports are correct, the business leaders have already dump them.
November 26th, 2007 at 3:52 pm
JHC, the birds are a twittering & chirping quite merrily around here…& our cat mate Apollo is lying on his back w/ a wide grin, farting up a storm everytime he hears a Coalition name mentioned on the tele.
A Kookaburra sitting in the bush corridor across the way hasn’t stopped chuckling since Tony Abbott announced he’d raised his claw for the Leadership.
November 26th, 2007 at 4:11 pm
Keating on Turnbull today:You know, he’s like a big red bunger, you know, you light it and stand back and, you know, what happens? fizz.
November 26th, 2007 at 4:12 pm
Tha Nats are in a heap also, no leader :)…..
November 26th, 2007 at 4:26 pm
Nasking, thank you so much for your kind and considerate words to me. And your birds, cat and kookaburra are smiling. That’s gr8.
I read and treasure all your comments, but cannot compete with your voluminous tomes. My kindest regards to you. JHC.
November 26th, 2007 at 5:03 pm
If Howie gets up in Bennelong and resigns, we might try Nicole Cornes against Maxine next. I’m pretty sure she’s available.
November 26th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
Jesus H Christ. FFS don’t hold back mate, I hate it when you won’t say what you really feel.
November 26th, 2007 at 5:36 pm
Somebody needs to gently break it to Costello that “sooking” isn’t an olympic sport, despite the fact that he’d easily be Australia’s representative if it was. No Pete, you are not going to Beijing.
November 26th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
Jesus, it must be catching!http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/clare-martin-and-deputy-quit/2007/11/26/1195975915525.html
November 26th, 2007 at 5:47 pm
Try here
http://www.smh.com.au/news/national/clare-martin-and-deputy-quit/2007/11/26/1195975915525.html
November 26th, 2007 at 7:13 pm
It appears the best they can come up with is a man lacking in experience Malcom Turnbull, what irony.
The good bit is that the polls have been right for the last 12 months, and the people of Australia kept their word.
November 26th, 2007 at 8:23 pm
What’s with Vaile’s tears just because he’s dropping the leadership?
How many tears did he shed for the victims of the Liberal govt such as Cornelia Rau and all the others in detention, the deaths of the innocents in Iraq …?
November 26th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
Thanks JHC…I’m humbled…you are a very important commentor on this blog & i have found inspiration in your wise & passionate words many a time during those “fear-ridden” days and nights…& that goes for many others on this blog. I’m ecstatic about the change of government but to be honest my energy is at a low ebb now, finally relaxing again after many dreadful years under that dark cloud of Australian Neo-Conning.
Tho, we must find it in ourselves to occasionally contribute, not only to “keep the bastards honest” (hopefully, with this new Labor crowd, not much of that will be required)…but also to help free the Americans from their bondage. That terrorist GW Bush & his cronies are still providing money to murdering militias:
http://timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/iraq/article2937104.ece
Thank goodness Howard & Co. won’t be there to act as the Neo-Cons apolgists & allies.
Hopefully the new Liberal Leadership will see things under the new LIGHT of scrutiny, TRUTH & JUSTICE. The same goes for Rudd & Gillard.
Furthermore, there needs to be a reckoning. The Siev-X, Tampa, Children Overboard, AWB Scandal & many other incidents need to be re-examined & the TRUTH be told. I hope Labor hasn’t done any deals to let the bad ones off the hook.
There is a great deal of HURT out there that need acts of catharsis.
Peace out
November 26th, 2007 at 8:43 pm
And Muskiemp, Herindoors, ABBA, kenj…i meant to add you to my list on election day…many others too. You kept me determined & enlightened…and going…:)
Hope that meal went well Sans Blog. You deserve a glass of champagne.
To all the people out there who BELIEVED we could have an effect…good on ya. It takes many courageous & determined people to stand up to & change BULLY governments. Not just the so called “influential people”.
Anyone who resists the SICKNESS & seeks TRUTH can make a difference.
You should be proud of yourselves. I am.
You are what makes this Country unique.
The Land of the “Fair Go For All”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VC7PxZL41Cg
(Return of the King - a part from the ending)
November 26th, 2007 at 9:59 pm
PZ Myers at Pharyngula is right to place invertebrates at the pinnacle of evolution.
Not only are they pretty clever, it turns out they can even rise to be Deputy Prime-Minister of Australia.
November 27th, 2007 at 10:04 pm
Telstra finally fixed my land line after one week. And I find myself looking at these truly frightening couplings of deeply disturbing personas.
Missed all of the celebrations, so can I just take up your time to thank all the contributors to RTS for for keeping me sane during the dark and dastardly times, to let you know that on Sunday morning for the first time in a long time I actually awoke with a positive attitude, and I thank you all for your commentary over the last couple of years.
And if this is the best the liberals can do, and we know it is, serves ‘em all right for never ever having the courage to challenge the ghastly little man.They are all complicit when it came to supporting this ego-maniac. Not one of them had the courage to question him.
May they all rot in hell forever.
November 27th, 2007 at 10:57 pm
Well said Bushie!
November 28th, 2007 at 12:21 am
Nice one, Ken.
November 28th, 2007 at 12:42 am
Looking at that rogues gallery, some faces went MIA regularly throughout not only the phoney campaign but the real thing. Then disgkplayed a wonderful case of denial Helen Coonan and our mate ironbar.
Think there are a few nightmares in store for this dream team